Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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