I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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