cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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