you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
