Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
