i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
