It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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