toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
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