so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
