It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
