I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
