Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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