batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
