I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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