Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
