In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Your cock deserves a montage
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
