When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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