Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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