Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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