She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
