everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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