First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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