why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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