Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize