I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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