It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
