Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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