i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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