batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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