I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
