im having a threesome with these popsicles
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
this will be a night to untag.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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