the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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