There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
it was like eating out sand paper
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
