I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
