I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
