The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
