i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
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