how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
