now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
