I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize