It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize