i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
