I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I had to cum in my sink.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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