Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
