She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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