Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
