as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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