I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
