fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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