I just pynch a tree in the face
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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