I showed him my bush... on skype.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
