Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
