She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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