hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
