I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
