He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
