booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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