remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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